Ok. Ask 20 people who know me beyond my name and certain easy quick facts, and you will find out after all the "he's really a nice guy", "he's funny", "he's passionate", "he's a recluse", "sarcastic", and "one of the quick witted and biggest jerks you will meet" hooplah. One thing they will all say is, "Kuresa does not forgive easily, and he does not forget"
I used to be initially näive when it came to trusting people. At one time in my life, If you didn't do anything to betray my trust, you had it for life. However, times do change, and dry grow the bones when left in the cold. Now, I'm always waiting for the hurt. It's not a matter of "if you will hurt me", I know it's in the works, it's just "when and with which of my poisons" you choose to utilize. Yes, I doom relationships as they start. All my relationships, in any capacity. Be it friend, acquaintance, co worker, girlfriend, sibling... I find it easier to love at arms length, so when they choose to leave, it doesn't hurt so bad.
When that happens... It's open season for my emotions, thoughts and words to mingle and produce more anxiety, awkwardness, hate, and tension... And I find ways to blame the other person for leaving, even if it was my fault, I CONVINCE myself that it was something you did to spark me in that direction in the first place. This makes it easier for me not to forgive. It's just not been one of the things that I give very well. Don't get me wrong, I don't want the other person to be sorry or to even know that I'm hurting. I just don't want to face the fact that either I was wrong, or that I miss them. Hating them is easier.
I know it's wrong, but in my mind, it's ok, because they left anyway and maybe I was no good or wasnt what they needed in their life anyway. So then, I refuse to forgive myself for ever letting them walk out of my life...
This is the darkest time for me, because I punish myself emotionally, more than they ever did. The greatest feelings in the world are these two things. A mothers touch and unsolicited forgiveness.
It repairs and replaces pieces of my heart that I ripped out in the emotional frenzy, and stops the bleeding and the pain.
The greatest thought that I read a long time ago went something like this:
Forgiveness is the fragrance released by a rose as it's crushed...
I've crushed a lot of rose gardens... I'm aware of my flaws...
Things will get better...i promise.
-Vs3
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